Yeah, I really need to stop lying to myself about all of this. You only come back to check to see if I do anything stupid, right? You would’ve opened your mouth a long time ago if you still cared about me, and I guess that I’ve subconsciously known that but I was too much of a pussy to admit it. It was fun pretending for a couple of months.. I mean even if it was indirect, I finally got you to talk to me again; Which was nice even though it got really shitty really fast.
For a while I’ve made myself believe that you were too weirded out to reply or something, because that was easier to take in I guess. I get it though. If you wanted to talk to me then you would have made an attempt to do so by now, and if I got anything out of your last post on this account before you ditched it, it’s that you still resent me. That fucking sucks.
I wish that you didn’t think that I wanted to talk to you to apologize or check how you were doing, because that’s stupid. I mean if you did read any of the messages that I’ve been sending you over the past couple of years, then you’d know that I’ve been doing that already. A lot.
It’s just that you’re kind of like a flame under my ass. You drive me to not be such a lazy prick and do things, even if those things are stupid or really fucking crazy. Remember when you asked me if I acted this way with the other ex’s, and I told you no? That was why. I usually tried for less than a week with the anyone else. Even if they’ve metaphorically pissed all over my pride, none of them mattered like you do.
It’s pretty shameful to still think so highly of you even though I sort of hate what you did. In fact I’m not too sure as to why I don’t just flat out hate you, or why I don’t bother getting revenge on you. I mean it’s not like I don’t know where you live, mostly because you’ve visited the blog multiple times (Even on Valentine’s Day for some reason, d’aww.) while I had the online tracker and you’re in the White Pages.
Like I said before, you’re really bad at staying out of sight. ͡͝ ືྀ͋ ͡͝ ືི͋
It’s pretty funny when you think about it, I mean you’ve finally started to block me after what, three years? I’ve always kind of known that you’ve either been reading my messages or just auto-trashing them since you started “ignoring” me, but I’ve always wondered if you were laughing at the messages before you discarded them, or maybe you saved them, or showed the messages to people to spite me. I guess it doesn’t matter too much anymore though.
It’s hard to be mad at someone for so long over stupid teenage mistakes. I got my certification, an okay job, I’m probably going to go back to school after my loan is paid off(pfffft), and I’m downing vitamin D tablets like there’s no tomorrow because I spent so long doing stupid bullshit and malnourishing myself to the point of having a skin condition.
I can’t let the grudge between us mold who I am as a person anymore. I’m fucking miserable, Kirsten, but if you’re really this mad at me, so pissed off that you’ve decided that you’re never going to talk to me again because of stupid bullshit that happened between us when we were both way more immature than we are now then fine. Be stubborn all you’d like.
I love you more than I love myself, which is kind of a lot because I’m a selfish dickhead who spends a large portion of his money on video games and weed. You said you left because I was an untrustworthy dick, but that’s bullshit. You left because you were scared of being hurt again. I told you things I’ve never told anyone, including awkward fetishes, my deepest thoughts, and my stupid teenage dream of wanting to be an evil businessman when I got out of school. I mean fuck, lady.. I even told you that this blog uses Statcounter the moment I put it on here! (You still came back afterwards as well, which is pretty confusing. I mean are you really reading this shit or are you skimming through it?)
But I digress.. If you want to believe that I’m untrustworthy then go right ahead. I know who I am as a person and I don’t feel guilty anymore, and you know what else? I hope you don’t feel guilty either. I don’t want to put you through any sort of guilt trip, and I honestly never did. I was just mad.. We both were. If I don’t bring you joy anymore, and if all I do is make you upset then I’m going to feel less shitty about knowing what has to happen.
The best thing that I can do is let you live your life without me trying to butt in anymore, so I’m going to force myself to do just that by any means necessary. This loneliness isn’t going to go away because I’m probably never going to not be in love with you, but that really isn’t your problem anymore. I just want you to be happy, even if I’ll never get to see it.
This blog is linked to a main account, but I’m going to copy/paste jumbled text to keep the blog password locked so I probably won’t be able to access it again. I do want it to be seen until this site’s demise though, because this is the only way I know that you’ll read what I have to say. Maybe you’ll snap out of your stubborn mindset and talk to me one day, or maybe we’ll both die of old age without saying another word to each other.
Whatever happens next is on you, “kiddo”.