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Boo hoo

“You don’t need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough. When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, it isn’t actually about you. It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize that. Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you — it’s something inherent. You exist, and therefore, you matter. You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings. You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space. You’re allowed to hold onto the truth that who you are is exactly enough. And you’re allowed to remove anyone from your life who makes you feel otherwise.”

 

— Daniell Koepke

My screen is busted and the wifi is shit because I’m on a greyhound but I really want to type this up anyway. . I’m going through with it. All of it. Over the past year I’ve been fixing myself up with purpose instead of being blindly dragged along with whatever career plan or life choice I’m led into. I need to do this now.


But before I finish completely bettering myself. Before I talk to you. I need to become a stronger person. I’m scared, Souza.. If I allow myself to let the anger or sadness take over I’ll become no better if not worse than who I used to be.  I refuse to hurt you again. I don’t care if you end up spitting in my face and kicking me in the dick when you see me. I’ll never bring myself to hurt you ever again. That’s what caused this.


Before I got on my bus I saw the route heading to New Bedford from New York and I was so fucking tempted to ditch my tickets and buy new ones.. But I had my chance. I had that chance twice when you and your family visited the city, but I was too much of a coward back then. I ran away from every chance to see you because I was just as scared then as I am now of you.

I was still scared of actually “throwing everything away”. I thought that I’d have a backup ride or driver when I go to apologize to you, but I finally figured out that I need to do it alone. I need some fucking humility, so if it blows up in my face then I guess that’s that.

If I get beaten to a pulp by your family, or the cops called on me, that’d be fine. Worse case scenario is you ignoring me in person just as easily as you ignore me on here.. In which case I won’t try and stop you. I will stare at your ass as you walk away though, out of spite of course.
If I’m ever going to approach you, I need to toughen up.

When I raged after your reply blog post which basically put me on blast, it was the wrong thing to do. Even though you were a dickhead in your response, it wasn’t right for me to get angry again.. Because you had every right to be angry. You still do.

I’m really sorry for making you delete your blog. I never found it funny to take it, and I only said that to seem like a smug dick. It did feel nice to have something that belonged to you though, so I didn’t lie about that. I miss you so much it’s actually fucking with me. I need to tell you something that I won’t share over the blog. I’ll end up telling you either when you finally give me a direct reply or when I go to MA myself. It’s something that I have to do very soon.

I know that you don’t love me. I get it. I really do. I don’t want to get back together with you, but I don’t want you out of my life either. I’m going to try whatever I can to get you back into it, even if it kills me. I need to hear your voice again. I need to hear your laugh at least one more time. I’m sorry that I feel as if I need these things, I mean you never asked for this,and you certainly don’t deserve it.

I’ll probably end up posting this tonight since I’m not too sure how long this bus ride is gonna be.. That and I’m kind of tired of looking at my cracked monitor. It’s a sad reminder that travel bags are full of shit and not meant for all types of travel. Seriously, fuck travel bags.
I love you and I swear on my life that I’m going to prove it to you until the very end. If that means leaving you alone forever then that’s the way it has to be.. But I’m going to be the one who decides that. Not you.

Expect dickbutts in the mail.

I love you, but if you think that this is all some sort of ploy and I’m still the same person from back then, then so be it. I know that I lost your trust because of everything that happened, and I know that there have been ragefit speedbumps from both of us but you can’t say that I didn’t try. I’ve tried damn hard over the past three years and it’s amounted to nothing but me holding myself back from things.

The part that really hurts about all of this is that you absolutely don’t care. I’d say that I can’t blame you for it, but I do. You didn’t “get tired and sick” of anything. You ran away. Twice if you count the time you ditched this blog. Even then, you were too scared to talk to me directly because of what happened between us.

I want nothing more than your happiness, and if you want nothing to do with me then I’ll keep my nose out of things. I will be sending you hand drawn dickbutts in the mail for the rest of your life though. I don’t give a fuck if I seem like a creep or a stalker to anyone, and I don’t care how stubborn you plan to be for the rest of your life. This isn’t just about you. It never was even though you’ve selfishly acted like it.